Declarative Language Handbook: Using a Thoughtful Language Style to Help Kids with Social Learning Challenges Feel Competent, Connected, and Understood

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Declarative language also gives you a chance to model your thinking to your child. It gives them an opportunity to hear your thoughts, understand your thinking, and to see your perspective. Yeah, so and I know I say this a lot in the book and and articles that I write, but just on the ground level, it’s commenting, and just really getting in the habit of commenting, rather than asking questions, and rather than placing a demand, which would be an imperative. So there’s a lot of ways that you can talk in a declarative way. You can get really complex depending on the developmental level and the readiness of the learner that you’re working with. Or you can keep it simple and easy. For younger learners. I think in natural development caregivers do speak declaratively, with their babies, with their infants, with their toddlers, with their young kids. So it’s a natural speaking style, even as language emerges. But on that very basic level, it’s just commenting. And again, the complexity of your comment is going to vary on many things. It’s going to vary based on your learner. It’s going to vary based on the context. But anybody can do it. You don’t need to memorize anything. The biggest part is being aware of your own communication, and start to notice when you’re commenting versus asking a question, or placing a demand. Simply put, imperative language requires a response. This can be problematic for children, especially if they have a language impairment. Examples of imperative language include: Yeah, I too, have seen or noticed a sea change may be a slow one. But I started Tilt almost seven years ago now. And the landscape is so different from when I first started doing this podcast and started doing this work. And that is really exciting for me to see. And there does just seem to be a lot more openness and curiosity about how can we better support neurodivergent kids and really meet them where they’re at even just the approaches to doing that. And so it’s more compassionate is more about CO regulation, it is with more understanding of the nervous system and you mentioned fight flight or freeze response. And so it’s exciting. One of the things you talk about this being really supportive for kids who have social learning challenges, how would you define social learning challenges? Training 2: Co-Regulation: Creating Competence, Balance and Positive Connection Through the Ups and Downs of Learning

I personally find that the easiest way to get started with declarative language is to think of ways to start your comment off with words and phrases like let's, I noticed, I wonder, or I see. Then once you get the hang of it, you can move to other types of phrases. Models gestalts/scripts that gestalt language processorscan easily use and mitigate (e.g., "Let's go to the park!" instead of "Do you want to go to the park?") A repeated theme in our case studies is that PDA turns “parenting norms” upside down, so our own mindset and mood are key factors in developing a toolkit of helpful approaches. Some key pointers are: Now that you have the tools, how can we apply these to help kids have successful interactions with each other, develop positive relationships, form friendships, and learn together? Specific topics covered include a framework for how to approach and think about peer interaction through this relationship-based lens, example natural environment and more structured activity ideas, and ways to introduce and include kids in competitive games so that they stay engaged and successful. Finally! An easy to read book that meets parents and educators 'in the trenches' with information and strategies that help our kids learn critical thinking, social problem solving and executive functioning skills. This book is proof of how making small shifts in our language can have far reaching results."

Introduction

Asking before touching/hugging your child as some children are sensitive to touch – or equally some children may like the comfort of deep pressure and may feel well regulated using weighted blankets or similar. Distracting/turning things into a game: the idea here is to focus on something else other than the demand, so you might say “let’s see who can pull the silliest face between each item of clothing” when getting dressed or “let’s list the top 10 dinosaurs” whilst getting into the bath for instance. Declarative language is a great way to build a variety of skills including social emotional regulation, executive functioning, perspective taking, inferencing, problem solving, self-advocacy, and so much more. Re-balance your relationship – a more equal relationship between child and adult, based on collaboration and respect, builds trust. Try to aim for win:win solutions. Focuses on teaching instead of quizzing (e.g., "Wow, your shirt has a green dinosaur on it!" instead of "What's on your shirt?")

speaking about them in positive terms to other people e.g. “Millie has an amazing imagination, she always thinks of really good games to play” or “Luke really makes me laugh, he’s such good fun to be with.” Why declarative language is so effective for neurodivergent children, and especially those who are demand avoidance Clean your room." ➡ "I see that your toys are all over the floor" or "Hmmm...I wonder where the dirty clothes should go."Phraseology and tone: subtle adaptations to our language and tone can benefit our children greatly. Using declarative language (statements, comments or observations), or rephrasing things to talk about an object rather than a person, and even simple things like starting rather than ending requests with the word ‘please’ can all make a big difference. For instance, when getting ready for school you might say “The clothes are on the bed, I’m happy to help” and then walk away, rather than “You need to get dressed now”; or if your child hasn’t had a drink all day you might just place the drink alongside them and say “Here’s a drink”. Similarly phrases such as “ I wonder whether …” and “ Let’s see if …” and including words that suggest an element of choice, such as “maybe we could …” or “a possible idea could be ….” or “I’m not sure if …” all reduce the perception of demands. Likewise it’s helpful to avoid trigger words like “no”, “don’t” or “can’t”– you can convey the same message using different terminology (e.g. “I’m afraid it’s not possible right now”) and if possible also explain the reason and offer alternatives whilst delivering the message (e.g. “I’m afraid it’s not possible to go to the park right now because there’s a storm, but we can try this afternoon when the forecast is better and in the meantime would you like to bake a cake or watch a film?”). Please see the very practical Declarative Language Handbook for more information and ideas.

The shift to increased student agency and teachers as coaches is dependent on a new kind of language in the classroom. Declarative language elevates teaching to that new level." To the negatives, this isn’t specific to Dr Murphy I suppose, but generic to “gentle parenting” approaches, she puts too much responsibility on the child at points and devalues the importance of active parenting at times, but interestingly she sort of admits that in one chapter so she’s clearly aware of the fallacy. Secondarily, also not totally a critique of “this book” but psychology books such as this one in general, as much as I love them, each one I work through I reflect on how many of these concepts try to prove too much with their argument. Her language tips are amazing, but they work coupled with patience and humility for the parent, etc. which can also come more simply from being a deeply faithful person or a very good human and embody and therefore have the same results for your kids. It goes hand in hand with one of my critiques of Freud, where you read him and think ‘wow, you’re really taking free will away.’ Dr Murphy doesn’t exact do that* she actually goes to the other extreme and offers a more ‘let your kid be whoever and whatever’ and almost too much ‘let them fly by’, but I think what she does do that Freud did is attempt to over-prove. As with many psychological theories, yes you came up with a good thing, but no it doesn’t result in everything you said unless it’s accompanied by other virtues. For the past few years, I’ve been hearing about this concept called “declarative language,” and although I had an idea of what it was, after reading my guest Linda Murphy’s Declarative Language Handbook , I couldn’t wait to bring her on the show because it offers another transformational tool for our parenting differently wired kids’ toolbox. Notice, feel, see, hear, think, imagine, forget, wonder, know, remember, perhaps, maybe, I don't know, might, sometimes, what a great question, let's find out together, I'm not sure, I like, I don't like, let's, we, us, I, my, me Anytime you are tempted to ask a question or give a command, take a second and pause. See if you can think of a way to rephrase it into an observation or comment instead. Try and switch that imperative to a declarative statement!It sounds wonderful. And I can imagine listeners being like, oh, my god, how am I going to do all of those things? How am I going to stay present when I’m being triggered and know the right thing to say and respond and be nimble enough to know that the kid I’m talking to today has different things going on than the kid I talked to yesterday? So just as a way to invite parents to be open to this and not putting that pressure on themselves? What would you say to a parent who, who’s curious and wants to kind of play with this or start experimenting with declarative language, but are feeling overwhelmed by the expectations of how they do it? Learning about declarative language was a complete gamechanger. It's helped me become much more intentional about the language I use around my kids and how I phrase things.

I am a big fan of any parenting advice that seeks to reduce conflict and build/restore trust between parents and their children. Ross Green's work ( Explosive Child, Raising Human Beings, etc.) has been a big hit in our household. Murphy's book works with some similar themes, but with the explicit goal of teaching social observation skills to neurodivergent kids.

Hold onto the paper while you cut." ➡ "Sometimes it helps to hold the paper with your other hand to keep it steady. It might make it easier to cut." focusing on their many positive qualities as well as trying to support them with areas that they find difficult You might be a therapist or a teacher, or you might be a parent, grandparent, or babysitter. Your child might have a diagnosis such as autism, Asperger's Syndrome, PDA, ADHD or Non-Verbal Learning Disability. But they might not. No matter your child's learning style, this book was written to help you feel equipped to make a difference, simply by being mindful of your own communication and speaking style.